Absence

Not that I think people are out there missing my postings or wondering what happened to my regular musings because I am thrilled just to have somewhere to write and keep track of the other blogs I like to visit---but lately I have found it difficult to get up enough energy to express myself.

I started worrying about leaving the safety of my regular paying job and then really wondering what I am going to do with my life. It feels odd to be done with college, done with graduate school, having worked in the professional world, and nearing 30; yet, realizing that I am still in the process of trying on different hats to see which one fits well and is attractive and will last through the years. Metaphor there is that I am a freaking adult that spend thousands and thousands of dollars and years on getting to that career stage, and once I reached the top of the mountain I realized that the view was a landfill and that I had at least another moutain to climb before I reach the place I am meant to be.

In some ways I feel fortunate that I am being honest with myself and admitting that what I thought I should be doing with my life is definitely not what I want to or should be doing with it. I am comfortable admitting that the corporate world and all that comes with it is not cut out for me. After 20+ years I figured out that I don't actually enjoy and thrive on stress.

Problem is that I need to find a way to pay rent, buy food, maintain health coverage, and pay off those grad school loans while I go through the process of figuring out whether to go back to school and become a physical therapist so I can use yoga and pilates and other holistic treatments in that practice; or do I try to find a way to get a masters or PhD in an area that will allow me to focus on international human rights issues and somehow involve yoga into that realm as well; or do I open a business; or do I try to make ends meet by stringing together enough yoga teaching jobs and miscellaneous work to make ends meet?

It is almost funny to think I spent years and years not having a clue what I wanted to do. I got so caught up in what I thought I was supposed to do and be and what others told me I should do or be that I did not have any concept of my true self.

The last year has been filled with peeling back the proverbial layers, delving into the depths of my relationship with my parents; coming to terms with decisions I made at points when I did not know myself; and finally, embracing the opportunity to let go of what I carried for so many years so that I could find joy in the journey of living---struggles and all.

Obviously I have some more layers to get through, but I think it gets easier after you work past the rough surface. I am truly thrilled that I have come to a place where I feel okay being.